Why does it seem so unnatural to some people that birthing should be natural and beautiful? It doesn't make sense to me at all. Being able to bring a child into this world is a miracle in its self, but today it is most often pushed aside like an everyday occurrence. Today the birth day is planned, drugged, rushed, loud, surgical, separated, and then the rest of the day goes back to normal.
I have always wanted a lot of kids, but unfortunately I didn't start having kids til I was 30. At that time, I was in the mindset that I probably wouldn't have any and if I did I had thought that I would just adopt. I was in school, buying a house, ready to rock my life as I was getting ready to turn 30, so having a child was far from my mind.
Then...I became pregnant. Call it karma, fate...whatever you like. But there it was black and white, or should I say there it was with 2 lines staring back at me saying "Pregnant".
It took a couple of months for both me and my boyfriend to really let it sink in that we were bringing a baby into this world and that we were going to be a family. A lot of emotions swirled around this time. I felt happy, sad, angry, scared, undeserving, regret. I felt like I was almost dealt the raw end of the deal cause all of my dreams that I had the previous year were gone. I felt it was unfair for me to give up everything I had been working toward. I quit school, rented out the house that I had just bought and never had the chance to move into and enjoy, and began to prepare myself as best as I could to bring a baby into our life.
When my mind started focusing more on what happens before during and after giving birth, I started realizing that I wanted it to be as natural as possible. I bought books, did research online, and contacted a doula to start working with. I am a total believer in that we have control over the amount of pain we feel, especially when we allow fear to creep into our mind. Fear equals pain in my book. I didn't want to have fear, I wanted to allow my body to perform the natural act of birthing a child that it was created to do.
From one of the many books I had bought, I started working on our birth plan. I wish I had it to share, but I deleted it a long time ago and also got rid of any copies that I found. I tried to make it as simple as possible, without any outrageous request. I wanted to be allowed to walk around instead of plugged up and strapped with monitors that made me lie there in bed. I wanted to have my baby in my arms and breast feeding as soon as possible after birth. I wanted John to be able to cut the umbilical cord. I wanted the lights down low and be allowed to play the music of my choice.
The weeks prior to my due date the doctor annnouced that he would be on vacation during the week I was due. He asked if I wanted to be induced a week earlier, and of course I declined since I in no way wanted any drug intervention at all. So I planned to see another doctor my due date week for my checkup. I honestly don't remember having any "scares" that I was in labor that week and went to the new doctor to see if I was progressing any. I believe I might have been a centimeter or 2 dilated, but what really caught my ears is when the doctor told me that everything felt very tight and asked if I was having a c-section when my original doctor returned. I said no, and didn't say another word. As soon as I left I called my original doctor's office and spoke with a nurse, I was upset and unsure of what to think about what I had just been told. My doctor was suppose to be in the next day, so when he called he calmed my fears and said that he would just have me scheduled for a non-stress test, a sonogram, and x-ray of my hips to see what the other doctor may have felt.
After having all those test done the doctor came in and spoke with me about everything. He said that with the new sonogram that he estimates that the baby is going to be over 9 lbs, and that my hips may not be able to birth my son. He DID say that he would let me trial labor but if there were any complications that most likely I would have a c-section.
I was determined to get this baby out as soon as possible before he gained anymore weight. We tried everything in the book to get my labor going. I drank castor oil, ate really really spicy salsa, we did the dirty, we went for a very long walk, there might be some more things in there but I just don't remember. By 11 that night I was feeling something going on with my uterus that seemed to be on a schedule. We went to bed and somewhere around 3 or 4 I woke up feeling a stronger tightening of my abdomen, so I got up to take a bath. I soaked for awhile and ended up falling asleep for a few hours. By about 6 a.m. the contractions I was having were getting stronger and closer together. I woke John up and we started preparing bags and getting things in the car for when I said the word to go. I remember sitting on my ball just trying to remain calm and to keep my head clear for everything I wanted to remember to do or bring the day I delivered. This being our first baby I wasn't really for sure when to go to the hospital, so I just figured that I might as well be laboring at the hospital in case it all went quickly. By 7 or 7:30 a.m. we were at the hospital. The nurse checked me and I was 3 centimeters dilated and about 80% effaced. I don't know how much time went by but the next time she checked me I was between 3 and 4 centimeters and 100% effaced. Unfortunately I couldn't get up and walk around cause they had hooked me up to a fetal monitor. They said it was only temporary just to watch the baby through a few of my contractions. Then the doctor was called...
I don't remember what or if the nurse said anything about me being prepped for a c-section, all I remember is the nurse coming in saying that the doctor was on the phone and wanted to speak to me. I couldn't talk since I was having a contraction so John picked up the phone, and started getting upset with the doctor really fast. The doctor was on the other side telling John that I HAD to have a c-section, and that at no time during our talk the day prior did he say he would allow me to have a natural birth. WHAT!!!!! John told me that the doctor's exact words were "if she wants to have a natural birth she is going to have to find a new doctor". It sounds like something out of a movie right? Nope....that was my life going on at that exact moment. I was crushed, I didn't understand, I didn't have anyone that I wanted next to my side other than John. We asked everyone to leave the room. We talked for a few minutes and without knowing what to do and being afraid that we were going to put our son in danger, we opted to tell the doctor that I would have the c-section. The nurses started prepping me immediately, since I was in labor it was considered an emergency c-section.
During all of this I must tell you that I am so thankful that I still had a doula and that I had been practicing my relaxation techniques. That, and having John be a rock at my side, was a stress saver for me. Once I agreed to the c-section I relaxed and was remember very very calm and loved all the people in the surgery room, especially my anesthesiologist. He was very gentle and talked me through everything he did in a very down to earth way that put me at ease. I remember a big teddy bear of a male nurse standing in front of me letting me lean on him while the needing was put in my back, I also remember how squishy and soft he felt and how good it felt to be sitting up. Isn't it funny how some things you remember so clearly?
Up went the blue sheet, in came John, and the c-section surgery took place. I felt a lot of pressure, a lot of pulling and pushing, and then hearing that our baby boy was out. I don't remember him crying very much, but he did make some noise. The nurses took him to the scale to get him weighed, cleaned and wrapped up. Then someone annouced "6 lbs 11 ounces". I looked at John with confusion and felt a sense of failure start to wrap around me. Then John came around to my side with our little boy wrapped all up, he was bright eyed and looking straight at me. Our little boy was calm, content and happy laying there in his daddy's arms. I melted and felt a sense of pride for all of us for making it through that morning successfully.
The nurses did take our baby away to do their thing, but I was very insistent about getting him back in my arms as soon as possible. Back in the labor room, a couple of nurses came in to press out the rest of the blood that was left in my uterus. It was like they were rolling a rolling pin down my abdomen and I could hear all of the liquid coming out and falling into the pail. I just wanted my baby so I could nurse. I don't think they wanted to give him to me so soon, but I am his mother and if he is a healthy baby boy then there is no reason to keep him from me, period. I don't know how much time went by but I think within an hour of the c-section I had him back in my arms and we were both working on learning to breastfeed.
The rest of the morning was a blur with people coming in and out of our room oohhing and awwing over our beautiful precious little boy. I think he was also in awe of everything around him because he didn't shut his eyes til later that afternoon. One of the first questions someone would ask when they came in the room was "is he sleeping?" but he never was.
I have to say that my nurses were wonderful. I hope that every patient is as lucky as I was, but I think part of it had to be because of the treatment that I received from my doctor concerning my labor and the ultimatum he gave us. My c-section was performed around 8 and by afternoon they wanted to put me in a wheelchair to take us to a new room with 2 beds, I refused a wheelchair. I wanted to walk, and was tired of people telling me what to do. The head RN came in, and luckily it was the nurse I knew best (we had taken the birthing class with her and she also knew my parents). She allowed me to get up to see how I felt and left me walk down the hall to our new room. She told me how sorry she was about our situation and wished she would have been here or at least notified so that she could have spoken with us. I think by then I had blocked out the whole experience, I just wanted to concentrate on our new little one and just be happy in the moment....and we all were!
Coming home was amazing. Since I had a c-section I had to take it easy and John was such a huge help in the week that he stayed home. We also have 2 dogs, who after we came home seemed to calm down knowing that something had changed and they needed to be as quiet as we were. Everything at home just kind of slowed down to an idle pace. I loved it!
Eventhough the delivery of my dreams didn't happen at that moment, I will never let that doctor ruin the joy of bringing our little boy into the world and bringing him home. Do I wish things would have been differently? Do I wish I would have had a different doctor? Do I wish I would have stood my ground knowing that everything was alright and there was no need for an emergency? All of those questions are most definitely answered with a big fat YES!! But I can't change the past, can't change what happened to me, or the unfairness of it all. I can only change my own emotions and reactions toward the whole situation. I choose to let it go and remember all that was great about that day.
There is definitely more to the story, breastfeeding and post-partum, but that will be for another post.
Thanks for stopping by and reading my story!
